Time to Talk

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for over three weeks since the launch of the ‘time to talk’ campaign by http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/  A  chance but lovely real conversation whilst out walking the dog yesterday reminded me how important and powerful talking and being heard can be.  It has spurred me on to post again.

As I saw the first TV advert of the ‘Time to Talk’ campaign  it made me reflect that perhaps if I had talked more or sooner about what I was going through perhaps I would not have become so ill.  For me I guess this blog is so cathartic because it’s a kind of talking?!  I know it’s written but I try to type as I think (much as I talk).  Those that know me well may be a little amused by this as talking is usually NO problem for me!  But disclosing depression and weakness was off limits.

My depression is what is defined as ‘reactive’, that is it developed in response to stressful situations. (There are many types of depression, all serious and potentially debilitating – http://www.mind.org.uk/ is a good site for more information).  In the early months of 2013 I encountered 3 difficult life situations in quick succession.  In recent times I have been thinking much about what and how to share any of this experience.  I have decided I will share a little.  I’m not doing this to be sensational or to get sympathy.  My blog is firstly for me:  to make my progress real and permanent.  I also genuinely hope that as I share I will help some who are in difficulty.  Also that those who are well will be encouraged to reach out and help friends of theirs.

In March 2013 a friend of ours took his own life.  This friend was precious to us he was like a brother and brilliant uncle to our boys.  He had been struggling with his own mental health for some time.  One evening he was late to have tea with us.  Something ‘did not feel right’. I went to check on him.  I discovered him hanging in some woodland behind his home.  I went into major shock and flipped into super coping professional mode.  I must of seemed like an emotionless robot to the emergency attenders.

As I look back with a little distance I am beginning to see, admit and understand my own reactions.  I basically shut down I refused to be real, open or honest with anyone including myself.  I worked desperately hard to maintain my image ‘Andrea’ strong, capable and full of faith. My image stood, whilst behind the facade, I felt weak, inept and hopeless.

My motives were good, I wanted to protect my family and friends from my pain and confusion.  But it was never gonna work. I was getting tied up in effort whilst knowing that it’s truth that sets you free!

My intellect and reasoning was telling me we did all we could to help our friend but my emotion and feeling said ‘you let him down, you failed!’

During the months that followed I was reluctant to talk or disclose anything. I was fighting a battle in my own mind.  Trying to deny the irrational thoughts that kept me awake and forget the bad dreams that struck when I slept.  I literally felt I was going mad.  I wondered if I’d ever be myself again.

Later speaking with a counselor I learned that not taking through and ‘processing’ traumatic events can make people vulnerable to ‘Post Traumatic Stress’  I am VERY grateful for two friends in particular, who at this time who were brave enough to invite me to talk.  I remember clearly one of them saying  ‘it’s really hard to hear but I am your FRIEND’.  It may seem like an exaggeration but I feel like I owe them my life.

My experience is thankfully unusual.  However I know that many things happen in life that can bring pain, trauma and confusion.  No one should feel alone or ashamed of themselves for what they have been through or how they have reacted.  If you have a friend who: has been made unemployed, is suffering from a health condition, has a child taking drugs, is in relationship in difficulty or anything else why not reach out and invite them to talk?  I don’t mean quiz them or get the gossip!  Let them know you care enough to listen and handle it, whatever it is they have to say.

I love this quote from David Ausburger:

“Being heard
is so close to being loved
that for the average person,
they are almost indistinguishable.”

God is our incredible ultimate example.  I am so grateful that through it all I have been able to pray.

Psalm 116 v 1 & 2

‘I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!’

Let’s live life – listening and loving.